


We Clicked From the Start

by DaysAreBlue



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Endgame Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul, F/F, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaysAreBlue/pseuds/DaysAreBlue
Summary: Jung Jinsoul's first memory was her parents giving her a clicker and telling her to use it whenever she was happy, never tell anyone else what the clicker was for, and to never lose it. 19 years later, she's developed a dependency on the clicker and begins to realize that happiness can only come from within.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	We Clicked From the Start

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This fic is strongly inspired by this Reddit post: (https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/a2c1xi/the_absolute_madwoman/) I happened to stumble upon on Instagram. I decided to impulsively write this instead of taking care of my academic responsibilities, so I hope it turned out alright!
> 
> There is a tiny amount of verbal domestic abuse included in this story so if that's something you aren't comfortable with reading, I strongly suggest you avoid reading this.

One of Jinsoul's earliest memories was her father handing her a navy blue clicker with a gray button attached to a forest green coil bracelet. When he gave it to her, he explained its purpose: "whenever you feel happy, press the button like this,"  _ click _ "got it? Listen here: you cannot afford to lose this and you must use it diligently- diligently means that you have to pinky promise that you will use it whenever you are happy." Jinsoul's nod confirming she understood, he continued on, "Other people don't have a clicker like you, and some may ask you why you have it. You can't tell them why you have it either, otherwise, they may get jealous and take it away from you." 

The clicker took some time to get used to, just like any habit. At first, she would often forget that it existed but her father kept a spare to click at the beginning. Within a few months, she was adjusted to clicking whenever she felt happy and was also preparing for her first day of preschool. When she received praise from her teacher for her drawings,  _ click _ . When the class was allowed to go to recess,  _ click _ . When she correctly named a shape,  _ click _ . By this time, she was used to having the clicker dangling from her coil bracelet and used it diligently as her father urged her to do. Jinsoul would sometimes get asked by curious classmates what was on her wrist to which she answered honestly, "it's a clicker that my dad gave me!" if they asked any further questions to understand what it was used for, the conversation was swiftly redirected to another topic.

That was her preschool life in its entirety. Learning the basics, and using her clicker whenever she was happy. When she graduated and went onto Kindergarten, she learned how to use scissors,  _ click _ .

The difference between Preschool and elementary school is that kids start to associate certain qualities with people. 'This kid always lets me borrow his crayons', 'this person has messy handwriting', and more. People began to associate the clicker with Jinsoul, 'the girl with the weird clicker'. She was often subject to minor bullying because kids wanted to play with it as well, however, teachers were usually quick to break up any conflicts. 

Why did the teachers allow Jinsoul to keep her clicker on her at all times? They were under the assumption that it brought her relief. On the first day of school until fourth grade, her parents would give her a note that Jinsoul was instructed to give to her teacher with an excuse for the clicker written in cursive. When Jinsoul learned how to read cursive in the middle of fourth grade, her parents could no longer give her those notes and instead opted to send an email.

When Jinsoul won the school library's contest for the most books read over the summer in 5th grade,  _ click _ . When Jinsoul saw her parent's proud faces at her graduation  _ click _ .

Jinsoul was at the entrance of her middle school. With the idea of meeting new people and making new friends in her head,  _ click _ . Middle school was a bit different than what Jinsoul expected. Cliques began to form and she felt out of place.

6th grade proved to test Jinsoul's habits with her friendships. While she had her own group of friends from elementary, her friends made more friends that didn't want to be friends with the 'weird girl with the obnoxious clicker', nor did they want to be associated with her by any means.

Tradition versus Modern. Tried-and-True versus Experimental. Old versus New.

Jinsoul's friends were faced with this question. How can they stay friends with people with who they have already established friendships while making new friends that would assimilate nicely into their long-lasting friend group?

They tried. They did, but that clicker made it hard to do so. In the end, those friends of Jinsoul would divide their time between their old friend group and their new friend group. Whenever those friends spent time with Jinsoul,  _ click _ .

Eventually, the people that originally wanted nothing to do with Jinsoul came around and saw the clicker as a habit. They never knew what the clicker was for, but understood that it was something meaningful to Jinsoul.

Everyone has their own sets of secrets. They know of information that has been entrusted to them as well as information about themselves. Jinsoul's just happened to be the clicker that she clicked whenever she smiled, or sometimes during the most random moments in class. It was her secret that she entrusted to no one else, and the kids began to recognize that, although not everyone respected it.

On her first day of high school, Jinsoul was nervous because of the number of new faces she would meet. She was excited on her first day of middle school but found that it could be challenging because not everyone liked her or her clicker. Some people were curious about it and got upset when Jinsoul would stay tight-lipped. 

Her mom gave her a pep talk once seeing that she was worried. "You should be excited for high school Jinsoul! You're getting an experience that not everyone can afford to have. This is the time where most of your habits begin to be set in stone- naturally, it's one of your most influential times in life. Go in there with a big smile and learn as much as you can!"

Jinsoul understood that it was an important day for her. This was a new year with new teachers and new beginnings- it scared her yet-  _ click _ , she became excited.

High school was indeed scary. It was a new experience for Jinsoul, but she was ready to try her best and make it all worth it,

Like every other year, Jinsoul's parents sent out their annual emails asking her teachers to excuse her clicker along with a reason why she needed it. 

When her biology class went to the Counselor's Office to plan out the courses they would take in Junior year, Jinsoul noticed the abundance of cubes and spinners laid out on her counselor's table.

"Mrs. Kim? If you don't mind me asking, what are those cubes used for?"

"The cubes are used to relax and destress students and adults alike. It's similar to the clicker you have on your wrist right now, but the device a person uses varies on what they feel works best for them!"

Jinsoul's never used her clicker as a way to destress or keep her hands occupied. In fact, she vividly remembers her parents scolding her for absentmindedly clicking her clicker when she was first getting used to it. Her clicker was only to be used whenever she was happy. Never more, never less.

The junior year proved to be challenging for Jinsoul. With only honor classes and numerous extracurriculars and a part-time job at the public library, she would often come home late and exhausted with homework that needed to be finished. There were times where she wanted to give up, but her parents expected better from her. Jinsoul expected better from herself too. For the first time in years, she used her clicker without being happy.  _ click _ . The sharp click that filled her room oddly comforted Jinsoul. She felt as though she was relieved of all of her frustrations, and was strangely... happy? Jinsoul assumed she figured out why her parents gave her the clicker that night: it was a source of happiness that could comfort her.

Jinsoul was correct to an extent. It didn't occur to her that night that if that was the case, everyone would have clickers. She failed to realize that night that her parents didn't have clickers either.

It was time for the end of year tests that were dreaded around the country. Jinsoul studied as much as she could. Each time she got a problem right,  _ click _ . Each time she got frustrated,  _ click _ , back to work.

Jinsoul ended up ranking first in her entire school that year. Her entire homeroom class had celebrated her accomplishment so loudly that all of the classes in that hallway could hear them. Their clapping was drowned out by a single  _ click _ . At that moment in time, no one could hear the clicker except Jinsoul.

Jinsoul began to smile with  ~~artificial~~ true happiness, the clicker gripped tightly in her hand.

* * *

It's been 19 years since Jinsoul first received her clicker at 4 years old. She got her bachelor's degree in Computer Science and now has a lover. When Jinsoul first met her girlfriend, they were both in their second year of college and hit it off from the start. Like everyone else, her girlfriend was curious about Jinsoul's clicker but respected the boundaries Jinsoul set.

Originally, the clicker was cute to her girlfriend. Jinsoul would be down and then the dull click seemed as though it brought her back to life. After 3 years, their relationship became strained. With pilled up stress and no proper outlet, Jinsoul would often have to endure castigations from her girlfriend. 

Each time her girlfriend finished her onslaught of verbal abuse, Jinsoul would give her the space she needed and would mindlessly play with her coil bracelet.  _ click _ .  _ click _ .  _ click _ .  _ click _ .  _ click _ .

'Every relationship has hiccups,' Jinsoul thought while gently pressing the groove on her clicker that accumulated due to years of repetition. 'We'll get through this together. We'll live out the dreams and promises we planned out in the beginning.'

This day was different. Jinsoul recently got back from an exhausting day at work only to be greeted by her enraged girlfriend. The words her girlfriend said went in one ear and out the other but there's only so much Jinsoul could handle. Everything was becoming too much for her and she needed a way out.

"Why is always that yo-"  _ click _ . "I come home expecting that-"  _ click _ . "That's it. I've had it with that fucking clicker."

With that, her girlfriend snatched the worn-down clicker from Jinsoul's hands. The worn-down navy blue clicker with the gray button that had a groove connected to a forest green coil bracelet and slammed it onto a wall, then crushing it mercilessly under her foot.

It felt like Jinsoul's source of happiness was gone right then and there. She had nothing to say to her girlfriend and couldn't either: her girlfriend left their house so she could cool down and there was a lump in Jinsoul's throat that she hadn't experienced in years. It was painful. Her anchor, her childhood, her last memory of her parents. All gone. Just like that.

Jinsoul had to learn how to live again without that clicker her father gave to her 19 years ago. Whenever the times got hard, she didn't have a way to escape the negativity and make herself happy immediately as she used to. In the beginning, she tried to buy other clickers yet nothing sounded the same as hers. She tried desperately to fix that clicker too, by it was beyond repair.

It's been two months without her clicker. Jinsoul was in the process of adjusting to the emotions she could no longer suppress and began to see the beauty in emotions: true happiness can only be measured relatively. Because Jinsoul would never allow herself to be sad and experience other negative emotions, she was never truly happy. It was an easier way of life, but it did not provide Jinsoul with the true meaning of life either. In a way, she had to thank her ex-girlfriend for the revelation. Without her outburst, it's not clear as to how long Jinsoul would be dependent on her clicker.

When moving her parent's belongings to a safe place after they passed away, Jinsoul found her father's old clicker that was the exact same as Jinsoul's clicker originally.

Jinsoul was given a dilemma in this situation: Tradition versus Modern. Tried-and-True versus Experimental. Old versus New. Did Jinsoul want to revert back to the ways she used to live life, or did she want to reject her old lifestyle and try something new, even if the outcome was worse?

Jinsoul pocketed the clicker.

* * *

Jinsoul parked in the gravel-filled lot, making her way to the sandy beach. The beach was filled with people who were enjoying the hot summer weather but the only thing that Jinsoul was paying attention to was the mantra in her head. 'Redeem yourself. Redeem yourself. Redeem yourself.'

Her lack of attention to her surroundings led Jinsoul to accidentally trip over a beach chair and she went onto fall face-first into the hot sand before someone caught her.

Jinsoul was a bit shaken honestly, and after stabilizing herself she turned around to thank the person who saved her.

Before she could get a word out, the stranger began to speak, "that's quite a tumble you could have taken there! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, thanks to you. I appreciate the help but I must be go-" Jinsoul started before getting cut off by her savior.

"My name is Sooyoung, what's yours?"

* * *

Unfortunately, Sooyoung's long list of questions and ice-breakers made it so Jinsoul wasn't able to get rid of that clicker of hers. Luckily for Jinsoul, Sooyoung just wanted a friend because she was new to the city and Jinsoul empathized with her. When she was in 6th grade, entering middle school- a new place with so many unknown people that aren't open to starting friendships with you- Jinsoul was more than glad to put a pause to her own internal struggle. Well, after lacing the clicker safely in her car first.

As more time passed with the two girls being friends, Jinsoul finally told Sooyoung about her past with the clicker, and they got rid of it for good.

Jinsoul didn't get rid of it like she originally planned: instead of throwing it in the ocean, she encased it in a box and put it up for display in her room.

Now, why did Jinsoul choose to keep the clicker in plain sight, continuously tormenting her instead of letting go of the past like she wanted to? Sooyoung suggested the idea to her. By keeping it and having the ability to revert back to her old ways, she was truly defeating her past. When her original clicker broke, Jinsoul didn't have an alternative which was a harsh awakening to her. Now, she's been given the chance: Tradition versus Modern. Tried-and-True versus Experimental. Old versus New. Now that she has this clicker, she's truly overcome all of her urges to live life how she used to. That's why Jinsoul kept the item that tormented her slowly but surely throughout her lifetime.

* * *

Jinsoul and Yves became close friends in the last 4 years and eventually started dating. They moved in together a little past their first year anniversary of dating to help reduce the costs of living for the both of them.

On the way back to their car after buying groceries, Jinsoul cracked a joke that elicited a hearty laugh and wide smile displaying Sooyoung's bunny teeth. One that truly came from the soul and couldn't be faked in under any circumstances.

_ click _ .

The click in Jinsoul's head came subconsciously, but she didn't mind it. Jinsoul knew that this time, the click followed the feeling of butterflies that came whenever she spent more time with Sooyoung.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Did it meet everyone's expectations? I sure hope it did! This is the first fic I've written that's I've finished, so please comment and let me know what you think! Keep in mind that it was written and posted in 3 consecutive hours so there's a good chance there are tons of errors- please let me know so I can fix them whenever I get a chance! Have a splendid day/night~


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